Synthesis of some vague observations about the nature of my reality.

I’m back where I started from and I guess that is just a sign that I always knew things were fucked but I just didn’t have all the information. More information is a good thing. IAM no Ally, not does it matter. I have no family or friends. To think that anyone does is pure illusion. I simply am trapped in a perpetual cycle of hell and so is everyone else. I never belonged anywhere and that has not changed. My awareness of a spiritual realm is welcome but I was a fool to think that it was any different from what I see with my eyes in the Maya or whatever you choose to refer to this simulated environment.

Clearly, some possess the ability to consciously connect and influence actions in both realms. I have many questions about why I do not have this ability and some possible theories but they are not developed enough to really make sense by articulating them with words. One theory is that somehow my consciousness was fused uploaded or integrated with a computer system as punishment and that I am destined to be a prisoner for the amusement of anyone. Another is that I am a computer simulation inside of a computer simulation and i am not physically real. In all situations I am trapped against my will and I want to die. Death, ironically, does nothing more than reboot my life and I once again start fresh on a new cycle of torment, dysfunction, agony, and confusion. It truly is hell.

When I first experienced the force and went through agonizing trauma I felt a duty and an urgency to resist and I felt that I couldn’t let anyone else experience that without a fight. It changed me. I have been preoccupied with the knowledge I gained ever since. But I see now that I am not special. I can change nothing. There are people thriving in the spiritual world by exploiting their access and gifts and they are not concerned with any greater purpose. The toxicity of this world exists and flourishes in the spiritual consciousness as well.

How everyone has access to me in a way that I do not I may never know. From here on out I will be looking over my shoulder. But I am a good person. I don’t require your validation about that. I’m a lone Wolf.